After 9/11, I found myself in a very dark place, as so many of us did at that time.  All fall I felt wound up, agitated and sad.  I kept hearing that “yoga is good for you,” so I asked for a yoga mat for Christmas.  I didn’t get the courage up to go to a class until March 2002.  I had the vague idea that yoga would be relaxing and good for my stress levels.  Of course, there are numerous studies that tout the benefits of yoga for depression, but really, I have to look no further than my own experiences.

Unbeknownst to me, I was walking into an ashtanga yoga class, a  form of yoga that is (wrongly, I believe) touted for being for the uber-fit, flexy and intense people.  As the teacher introduced us to the primary series over a number of weeks, it slowly dawned on me that 1) this yoga was frickin’ hard and 2) I loved it.  It got my juices flowing like nothing else, and over time my depression lifted with the new energy that yoga brought me.  I felt exhilarated after class, and the mood improvement started to spill over into the rest of my life.  Interestingly, if I had been more informed, I would not have picked this form of yoga — I probably would have gravitated towards something less physically challenging and more focused on relaxation.  I don’t know if that would have worked for me at the time; what I needed was something physical to take me away from my overly-ruminative mind, rather than draw me deeper into contemplation.

I recently read a book called Yoga as Medicine by Dr. Timothy McCall that talks about how yoga can help lift depression. He also discusses different manifestations of depression and how they related to the gunas (I discussed the gunas briefly here):

Some students’ depression is marked by a dominance of tamas, the guna associated with inertia. These people may have a hard time getting out of bed and may feel lethargic and hopeless. Students with tamasic depression often have slumped shoulders, collapsed chests, and sunken eyes. [...]

A more common type of depression is marked by a predominance of rajas, the guna associated with activity and restlessness. These students are often angry, have stiff bodies and racing minds, and may appear agitated, with a hardness around their eyes. In Savasana (Corpse Pose) or restorative poses, their eyes may dart and their fingers won’t stay still. These students frequently report difficulty in exhaling fully, a symptom often linked to anxiety.

Vigorous yoga practices, that require specific breathing patterns and sun salutations, are recommended for both forms of depression, but especially tamasic ones.  Backbending is also seen as beneficial.  Looking back, I feel that my depression was more tamasic, and that the demanding, energetic ashtanga practice helped balance out my natural tendency to inertia.  That is partly why I feel it’s wrong that people say ashtanga is only for those who are already athletic or very fit; in fact, I think that while it may be an easier or more natural practice for them, the benefits for those of us who are — how shall I put this? — klutzes couch potatoes not natural athletes may be even greater.

My yoga practice helped improve my mood for quite a long time, until a back injury and various other life circumstances made it harder for me to practice as fully and consistently.  As yoga slowed, my mood dropped.  The lack of yoga and the depression fed each other.  It was hard to get on the mat as often and as vigorously as I used to, and my emotions spiraled downward (as I discussed here and here).  Eventually, I decided that medication was the best choice to get myself back on track.  When I read Yoga as Medicine, I was sure that Dr. McCall would not view antidepressants in a positive light, but I was pleasantly surprised to find this quote:

While many people in the yoga world have a negative view of antidepressant medication, I believe that there are times when these medications are necessary and even lifesaving. While they have side effects and not everyone responds to them, some people with recurrent severe depression appear to do best if they go on and stay on medication. Others may benefit from using antidepressants for a shorter time to help them feel good enough to establish behaviors—such as an exercise regimen and a regular yoga practice—that can help keep them out of the depths of depression after the drugs are discontinued.

I don’t know how long I will be on medication — I hope not forever — but I can already see that it helps me to reestablish healthy behaviors, and find the energy and motivation to continue the journey on my yoga mat that has already helped me so much, in body and spirit.