Amy Winehouse, trainwreck pop singer, wails, “They tried to make me go to rehab, but I said, no, no, no!”

Obviously, Amy doesn’t have any kids. Sometimes rehab sounds pretty appealing to me. Who wouldn’t be tempted to say “yes, yes, yes” to a month without chauffeuring anyone around, picking up the toys and books that get strewn from one end of the house to another, supervising the nightly homework extravaganza? Unfortunately — or, rather, fortunately — I don’t have a substance abuse problem (unless chocolate counts) so nobody is going to whisk me off to some exclusive, isolated Utah rehab facility where I can sleep later than I do at home, have someone cook for me, write in my journal and sit in a circle to talk about my issues.

Now, I don’t want to diminish the seriousness of addiction or suggest that rehab is in any way easy. However, the idea of disappearing from my life for a month to follow a program of self-reflection and wellness does seem rather attractive. I got to thinking — I wonder what a typical rehab schedule looks like? — and browsed around online for examples. Inspired by my findings, here’s my proposed “Rehab for Busy Moms” schedule:

7:00 – 8:00 am: Meditate.

8:00 – 9:00 am: Breakfast (not consisting of a half-eaten piece of toast grabbed off your kid’s plate).

9:00 – 11:00 am: Group therapy. Discussion of such topics as “How to Say No to Too Many Volunteer Positions,” “Getting Your Family to Help Around the House,” “Sex: Who Has the Time?” and “If They Are So Cute, Why Do I Want to Kill Them?”

11:00 am – 12:00 pm: Exercise. A variety of yoga, Pilates, tae-bo, aerobics, power walking, swimming and running programs will be offered.

12:00 – 1:00 pm: Lunch. Options: all the fruits and veggies that you love but your family won’t eat, pasta with sauce on it, foods deemed “icky” by your kids, and all-you-can-eat dessert bar.

1:00 – 3:00 pm: Personal time for journaling, goal-setting, reflection, and reading.

3:00 – 4:00 pm: Mandatory Nap Time.

4:00 – 5:00 pm: Female Bonding Time: may include gossip, chatting, silly girl talk, showing cute pictures of kids, sharing birth stories.

5:00 – 6:00 pm: Chores. (Most rehabs do have their clients do such chores as washing dishes, scrubbing toilets, etc. but my “Rehab for Moms” program would be trying to rehab moms out of doing those things, so for our “chores” we would do community service, such as tutoring disadvantaged kids.)

6:00 – 7:oo pm: Dinner. Options: Same as lunch, plus wine.

7:00 – 8:00 pm: Moms Anonymous meeting, with presentations by recovering moms who have successfully completed the rehab program.

8:00 – 10:00 pm: Chick flick, book club, or bunco.

10:00 pm: Lights out. Or not. It’s up to you. Do whatever you want!

Now, the question is, after a month of that, would you be ready to reintegrate yourself into your family and society, or would you want to stay in rehab forever? Maybe that’s why moms don’t have their own specially designed rehab…we might never come back!